I read with no small amusement Doug Ernst’s May 26 Publisher’s Notebook wherein, for the benefit of confused Star readers, he explains the difference between actual facts and the other stuff that comprises 99 percent of the paper. His column refers to me (and others) in quotation marks as a “columnist” and cautions a gullible public that my writing (and that of others) may contain items which “sometimes include personal observations that may not reflect or even resemble actual facts.”

It made me feel like an experimental pharmaceutical product requiring disclaimers and government regulation to prevent dangerous off-label use. While I have great respect for the “publisher” of this paper and think he is a “person” of both “intelligence” and “integrity,” I must point out a shortcoming in his column.

There are many parts of the paper that could be misleading, which are not 100 percent factual, and which should carry their own warning labels. So as a public service, I suggest the following disclaimers be included in these regular Star columns:

• Aunt Helena

WARNING: This column may cause you to move to a more scandalous city. Is she attempting to make this community seem deceptively quaint and friendly, or is she lulling us into a false sense of normalcy? In considering this issue, readers are advised that Aunt Helena may not be an Aunt, may not be a woman, may not be a human, and may not live or work or ever have visited St. Helena. She may in fact be a highly intelligent computer at the CIA (the government one), running a clandestine operation sending messages in code to sympathetic foreign operatives cleverly disguised as chipper announcements of innocuous local events.

For example, when she recently wrote that she was “enjoying the bright burst of bloom and chirping of the warblers residing in the photinia hedge,” what she really meant was: “Vladimir, meet me at the Kremlin Bar at midnight, but be careful because the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle.”

• Fishing Is My Day Job by Bill Ryan

WARNING: Bill’s column is not actually about fishing. It is a metaphor for the struggle of mankind to maintain dominance in a technology-driven society on the brink of ecological and socioeconomic apocalypse when survival depends upon taming the forces of nature and establishing biological self-sufficiency because the multinational corporations may soon be selling humans for food. Or maybe it’s just about trout. We’re not sure. Think about it and get back to us.

• Notes from St. Helena by Jeff Warren

WARNING: This column may cause dizziness, mood swings, stomach upset and unexplained emotional outbursts. Buckle up as you are taken from the highest highs to the lowest depths and back up again faster than the Raging Bull coaster at Six Flags-Great America. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery when hearing about the Better Old Days. Consumption of alcoholic beverages while reading this column is highly recommended.

• On Weather by Jeff Popick

WARNING: Jeff is just making this stuff up. Jeff’s “barometer,” which was actually an old bong he made in college from a giant yellow squash, broke years ago. He now arrives at his predictions by putting random weather-words into a paper bag, shaking vigorously, then reassembling them in no particular order to create today’s forecast, which is: “warmer air aloft can pile up quickly before the frontal passage wrings out more moisture in its wake as it overrides cooler air near the surface when the jet stream retreats through compressional heating to allow northeasterly winds to move the trough along while it is cooled to its saturation point which should produce sporadic rain or sunny skies, I know not which.”

• Up the Valley by Laura Rafaty

WARNING: This woman hasn’t slept in six years, regularly inhales lethal levels of glitter, and has a 10-pack-a-day Splenda habit. She is usually armed (with a glue gun) and should be approached with extreme caution. We think she is kidding in her columns, but find it best to just respond to them with nervous laughter and then cross the street when we see her coming.

• Publisher’s Notebook by Doug Ernst

WARNING: This column is written by someone with a rare form of Tourette syndrome, who awakes from naps during editorial meetings shouting: “Brown Act!” and “Freedom!” and “Where Are the Cupcake Recipes?” He bears a Chinese tattoo that was supposed to read “The Public Has a Right to Know,” but which actually reads “The Pubic has a Blight to Grow” (he doesn’t speak Chinese, so don’t tell him). He is considering a lawsuit to require prior public notice and a live webcast and video streaming of council members’ colonoscopies. But you should keep reading because — and this is an actual fact — he is simply a “true journalist.”

(Laura Rafaty is the owner of Pennaluna on Main Street, a resident of St. Helena, a former attorney and Broadway theatrical producer and an author and columnist.)