I can’t help but notice that columnists and commentators have all sorts of brilliant suggestions for solving the world’s problems. It’s a mystery why no one listens to them. Candidates running for president have grand ideas of what they are going to do without explaining how they might accomplish them, while the incumbent has a long wish list of things he’d like to do without explaining why he hasn’t gotten around to doing them already. Well, I’m no expert, and so this clearly qualifies me to propose solutions to the seemingly insurmountable challenges facing the world, the nation and our little hamlet:

• Solving our debt to China: We owe China over a trillion, and since we’re a bit short on dollars, at least until the ink dries on the bunch we’re printing right now, we should seek some creative financing alternatives. We might not necessarily have anything China wants, since if we did they would own it already, but we might be able to take something off China’s hands that they really don’t want. So my suggestion is this: we take Tibet and move it to Nevada. Let’s face it, Tibet is a public relations nightmare for China, what with the Brad Pitt movies, and the Free Tibet rainbow bumper stickers, and the human rights violations tweeted by pesky tourists, not to mention the multiple dueling reincarnated deities.

Meanwhile, Nevada is a natural home for Tibet. It’s roughly the same size (if you accept China’s definition of Tibet, which leaves off a huge chunk of the country, but we have to start somewhere) and has roughly the same population, although it’s hard to count since Tibetans and Nevadans are prone to disappearance at the hands of criminal thugs. Nevada has mountains and snow, so the Tibetans would be more comfortable there than, say, Palm Beach, plus there would be less chance of spotting the Dalai Lama in short shorts. It’s a little-known fact that Shangri-La is actually located in Nevada, at 3535 S. Las Vegas Boulevard, where it is currently incarnated as a swimming pool at the Imperial Palace Hotel.

Between Vegas and legalized prostitution, Nevada has the earthbound market locked, but what of the more cosmic tourist? Tibet-Nevada could open as a meditation center and wellness retreat where people from all over the world would seek spiritual enlightenment and physical renewal, catch a floor show, and leave with a Buddha-shaped souvenir or autographed photo of Richard Gere. Of course, we’d have to Americanize the peaceful Tibetans, but this could be accomplished by giving them football season tickets and making the yak the team mascot (“Yak Attack!”) and by marketing yak meat as the latest gourmet craze (yak carpaccio and panko-fried yak balls, anyone?). Plus we could swing them a piece of the lucrative wedding business, as who wouldn’t rather be married by an adorable lama than by an Elvis impersonator? Clearly, Tibet would be a much happier fit with us here in the USA, and China doesn’t deserve it. I’d move Tibet to St. Helena, but they’d hate the climate and we’d never get the permits.

• Solving California’s budget crisis: The state needs immediate cash, and has excess inventory in just one category of valuable liquid assets: incoherent rich starlets and quasi-socialites just out of rehab and their boozy Beverly Hills Housewife mothers. Surely someone in Saudi Arabia or Dubai would pay a fair amount for some of them, and their lifestyles would likely change very little. Plus, they don’t seem to know where they are most of the time — we’ll tell them they’re shooting a movie or a pilot for a new reality series. Best of all, on closer inspection, the buyer will undoubtedly pay us to take them back.

• Solving St. Helena’s budget problems: Three words — Wine & Willie Wonka. That’s right, we put one golden cork in one random bottle of 2011 vintage which, when revealed, is worth one free winery (surely someone is ready to donate theirs). And if you drink enough wine trying to find the cork, you’ll see the Oompa-Loompas for free.

Obviously these few simple steps would make for massive global improvement, and I’m just getting started. It’s a mystery why no one listens to me.

(Laura Rafaty is the owner of Pennaluna Napa Valley, a resident of St. Helena, an attorney and former theatrical producer, and an author and columnist. Read more at laurarafaty.com.)