Dumb and Dumber

January 20, 2012

I’ve just finished my third day as a home-based business owner, and I’m already worried.  True, online sales have been beyond expectations, I was able to hook up my computer without professional help, and I accomplished transfer of my telephone lines to Comcast and disconnection of my former AT&T phone service through a mere sixteen customer service conversations with people who may or may not speak English as their native language.  But when I started to undress for bed last night I discovered to my horror that I was still wearing my pajama tops — I had apparently been wearing them all day without realizing it.    I’m obviously going to have to make sure I leave the house once in a while, if for no other reason than to have an excuse to put on pants  and to provide much-needed stimulation to my brain, which is the subject of my latest column in the Star.  Hope you like it, and that you remember you like it later.

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I read that the President is appointing two new members to the board of the Federal Reserve: a Harvard economics professor and a former Treasury official.  I am not acquainted with either gentleman, but I can tell you without hesitation that they know nothing about our economy, for if they did, surely they would have told someone how to fix it by now.  We are stuck in the rut of entrusting our economic recovery to people with only an encyclopedic knowledge of what didn’t work in the past and hands-on experience in how to make it worse.  Why not shake things up a bit by adding some new blood: perhaps a psychic or a tarot card reader should be advising the Fed.  At least Ben Bernanke’s speeches would be more interesting, as he would step to the podium and blandly announce:  “We predict a tall dark stranger in an overcoat will soon appear with a briefcase full of Swiss Francs, access to the public bond market with credit on favorable terms, and a plan to help our economy realize its longer-term growth potential. The Magician card in our deck indicates that we will see action on the economy so long as we remain consciously aware of reality, resist stifling regulations and embrace the liberating power of corporate tax deductions.  Opportunities for European travel will present themselves in the first quarter of 2012, with romantic intrigue and favorable currency exchanges to follow shortly thereafter.  As a result, we have decided to maintain interest rates at their current levels.”

In fact, the more I see of Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve the more I think we should just turn the whole thing over to a newly created position of National Astrologer — surely Nancy Reagan can recommend someone, and it would provide another perfect recess appointment for the President.  In that vein, please check out this week’s Star column, in which I provide my entirely baseless Astrological Predictions for 2012.  Sure I’m unqualified, but I figure that if local weatherman Jeff Popick can predict winter in December and January when it’s 74 degrees outside, then I can claim to predict the power of the planets.  Read more about Star signs in the Star!