Preposterous Predictions for the New Year

January 5, 2012

I read that the President is appointing two new members to the board of the Federal Reserve: a Harvard economics professor and a former Treasury official.  I am not acquainted with either gentleman, but I can tell you without hesitation that they know nothing about our economy, for if they did, surely they would have told someone how to fix it by now.  We are stuck in the rut of entrusting our economic recovery to people with only an encyclopedic knowledge of what didn’t work in the past and hands-on experience in how to make it worse.  Why not shake things up a bit by adding some new blood: perhaps a psychic or a tarot card reader should be advising the Fed.  At least Ben Bernanke’s speeches would be more interesting, as he would step to the podium and blandly announce:  “We predict a tall dark stranger in an overcoat will soon appear with a briefcase full of Swiss Francs, access to the public bond market with credit on favorable terms, and a plan to help our economy realize its longer-term growth potential. The Magician card in our deck indicates that we will see action on the economy so long as we remain consciously aware of reality, resist stifling regulations and embrace the liberating power of corporate tax deductions.  Opportunities for European travel will present themselves in the first quarter of 2012, with romantic intrigue and favorable currency exchanges to follow shortly thereafter.  As a result, we have decided to maintain interest rates at their current levels.”

In fact, the more I see of Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve the more I think we should just turn the whole thing over to a newly created position of National Astrologer — surely Nancy Reagan can recommend someone, and it would provide another perfect recess appointment for the President.  In that vein, please check out this week’s Star column, in which I provide my entirely baseless Astrological Predictions for 2012.  Sure I’m unqualified, but I figure that if local weatherman Jeff Popick can predict winter in December and January when it’s 74 degrees outside, then I can claim to predict the power of the planets.  Read more about Star signs in the Star!


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