Preposterous Predictions for the New Year

I read that the President is appointing two new members to the board of the Federal Reserve: a Harvard economics professor and a former Treasury official.  I am not acquainted with either gentleman, but I can tell you without hesitation that they know nothing about our economy, for if they did, surely they would have told someone how to fix it by now.  We are stuck in the rut of entrusting our economic recovery to people with only an encyclopedic knowledge of what didn’t work in the past and hands-on experience in how to make it worse.  Why not shake things up a bit by adding some new blood: perhaps a psychic or a tarot card reader should be advising the Fed.  At least Ben Bernanke’s speeches would be more interesting, as he would step to the podium and blandly announce:  “We predict a tall dark stranger in an overcoat will soon appear with a briefcase full of Swiss Francs, access to the public bond market with credit on favorable terms, and a plan to help our economy realize its longer-term growth potential. The Magician card in our deck indicates that we will see action on the economy so long as we remain consciously aware of reality, resist stifling regulations and embrace the liberating power of corporate tax deductions.  Opportunities for European travel will present themselves in the first quarter of 2012, with romantic intrigue and favorable currency exchanges to follow shortly thereafter.  As a result, we have decided to maintain interest rates at their current levels.”

In fact, the more I see of Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve the more I think we should just turn the whole thing over to a newly created position of National Astrologer — surely Nancy Reagan can recommend someone, and it would provide another perfect recess appointment for the President.  In that vein, please check out this week’s Star column, in which I provide my entirely baseless Astrological Predictions for 2012.  Sure I’m unqualified, but I figure that if local weatherman Jeff Popick can predict winter in December and January when it’s 74 degrees outside, then I can claim to predict the power of the planets.  Read more about Star signs in the Star!

Up The Valley: My starry-eyed predictions for 2012

• Laura Rafaty
• Jan 5, 2012

Astrology may be dismissed as silly, except when it confirms that we are exceptionally intuitive or creatively gifted, or that our last relationship ended because we were cosmically incompatible, not comically indiscriminate. My own knowledge of star signs is based almost entirely upon reading Cosmo’s Bedside Astrologer in the 1980s, but the basic planetary principles pertain. And so it is with an eye to the heavens, and a total lack of expertise, that I bring you my astrological predictions for 2012.

• Aries (3/21-4/19): Maybe it’s the horny Ram’s tusks or the alpha-dog disposition, but Arians are the sluts of the Zodiac. In 2012, you will continue to steamroll and seduce your way to glory, or at least to a very tall pour from the stingiest bartender at Cindy’s Backstreet Kitchen. Alluring Arians include Warren Beatty, Francis Ford Coppola, Nancy Pelosi and Lady Gaga.

• Taurus (4/20-5/20): The binging Bull is famous for soothing stress with excessive amounts of food, drink, shopping and sex. In 2012, you will satisfy your appetites at Villa Corona by day and La Condesa by night, but will be scandalously cited by police for a DWF (driving while flatulent). Bullish Taureans include Bono, Saddam Hussein, Queen Elizabeth II and Mark Zuckerberg.

• Gemini (5/21-6/21): Call it delightful eccentricity or multiple personality disorder; the Twins are never boring. Your love of philanthropy and decorating will lead you to launch the “2012 ‘Other St. Helena’ Home Tour,” in which rich locals are invited to “Tour the Homes of Those Who Clean Yours,” benefiting affordable housing charities. Multitasking Geminis include Angelina Jolie, Robert Mondavi, Ted Kaczynski and Newt Gingrich.

• Cancer (6/22-7/22): Moody Crabs are emotional and loving one moment, then shrewd and cautious the next, becoming world leaders or serial killers. They include Nelson Mandela, Princess Diana, George W. Bush and Lizzie Borden. Cancer is a moveable water sign, which explains why Cancerian Alan Galbraith understands it so well.

• Leo (7/23-8/22): A preening narcissist, the Lion is noted for grandiosity and need for the spotlight. You are also a natural leader, and in 2012 will inspire the Occupy St. Helena movement to boycott overpriced water, urging locals to flush, brush teeth and swim in cabernet, and turning the populace “Purple and Proud.” Lionized Leos include Julia Child, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Aunt Helena.

• Virgo (8/23-9/22): True, people snicker when calling you the Virgin, but it’s because your obsessive organization, compulsive cleanliness and preoccupation with perfection leave little room for temptation. In 2012, you will form the “Committee on Economic Development Committees” to determine whether the various organizations promoting local business exist, or have moved to Yountville. Well-known Virgos include Warren

Buffett, Michael Jackson, Queen Elizabeth I and Charlie Sheen.

• Libra (9/23-10/22): Symbolized by Scales of Justice, Libras are known for their impartial judgment, discriminating taste, and total inability to accept criticism. In 2012, while digging for water in your backyard, you will uncover a huge untapped oil reserve. The Chamber of Commerce will launch a “Drink While You Drill” campaign, attracting hordes of drunken wildcatters, and a few confused dentists, to the valley. Famous Libras include John Lennon, Richard III, Truman Capote and Thomas Keller.

 • Scorpio (10/23-11/21): The Scorpion may be charming and magnetic, but also compulsive and obsessive; it’s the sign most likely to become a stalker. In 2012, you will demand that all trees, even on private property, be topiaried or espaliered, resulting in your ascendancy to top the Tree Committee. Celebrated Scorpios include Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, Bill Gates, Charles Manson and Mickey Mouse.

• Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): The freedom-loving Archer may be a bit ADD at times, but … ooh, look, a squirrel … they sure can be fun! In 2012, your honesty, optimism and new ideas will lead to your election to the City Council, but your honesty, optimism and new ideas will cause you to be recalled almost immediately. Spirited Sagittarians include Woody Allen, Jane Austen, Keith Richards and Herman Cain.

• Capricorn (12/22-1/19): The patient and prudent Goat is a peerless professional, but can also be a pessimistic buzz-killer. In 2012, you will persuade the city to develop a “Plan to Find the Missing General Plan” and a “Study to Determine Why We Ignore All Our Studies.” Practical Capricorns include Michelle Obama, Richard Nixon, Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh.

• Aquarius (1/20-2/18): The Water-Carrier may seem peculiar or eccentric to some, but original and visionary to others. In 2012, you will open a business in Alan’s former Main Street space that is so revolutionary and indescribable, the city can’t figure out how to deny the use permit. Inventive Aquarians include Thomas Edison, Michael Chiarello, Mike Thompson, Todd White, Jeff Warren and Sarah Palin.

• Pisces (2/19-3/20): The phrase “drinks like a fish” applies, although your wishy-washy reputation is unfair; you have firm feelings about vodka versus gin martinis. In 2012, famously flippery Piscean Mitt Romney will concurrently run for President as a Republican and Independent, and defeat himself. You will intend to vote but misplace the entire month of November. Notorious Pisceans include Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minnelli, Johnny Cash, Ted Kennedy and me.

It should be noted that Mayan astrological calendars predict the end of the world on Dec. 21, 2012. So let’s all party like it’s 1999!

(Laura Rafaty is the owner of Pennaluna Napa Valley, a resident of St. Helena, an attorney and former theatrical producer, and an author and columnist. Read more at laurarafaty.com.)

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